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Hey whats it gonna take to get you folks into this car?

Used Cars - A 1980 Kurt Russell movie, where the protagonist, a used car salesman, tries to buy a senate seat.
Coincidence? You decide.

You've been there. You go to buy a car, you walk on the lot and before your second footstep, a human remora has attached himself to you. Helpful to the point of annoying, the ballet begins where handshake, names, cards and pleasantries are exchanged. Well, lets be serious, the remora is the only one doing the exchange, you are looking for a handiwipe.

You continue in your quest, looking for a specific model, and a specific car. Of course that car and model doesn't actually exist. Yes, you've seen the advertising, youve seen other people driving that very car in that very color but you cant find it here at the dealer. Your remora finally guides you towards some other car that you don't like nearly enough but to get the remora to shut up, you tell him its ok. You find yourself being pulled back to his office, which is really a desk sitting in the lobby with all the sense of permanence of a used paper cup.

Your interest dropped off hours ago but the remora insists. Help him out, let him see if he can make you a deal. Be a pal. Paper begins to fly about the desk and improbable numbers begin to appear on the improbable contract paper. The paper is shoved in front of you.

"Is that a great deal or what!" Says the remora with a smile that looks more painful than happy.

You couldn't care less. Your hands are attached to your side as if they were stapled there. The remora reluctantly goes back to work,moving the improbable numbers about the page of paper that looks like it might be legal and contractual. The paper slides back across the table with small imperceptible changes in the actual numbers.

Your reaction is the same. You don't want the car, you never did. The car you actually want and the whole reason you came to the lot in the first place isn't on the lot and any discussion of the car you want is met with "impossible","doesn't exist" "not as good as you think" and my favorite " Wait till you see the XXX model, now that's a great car, but your car is actually the better car".

You then decide that the show is over and get up to leave. Panic ensues. As you get out of the lobby door and suddenly a new character arrives. He's the "sales manager" he ensures you that the car you came to get is actually here after all. He tells you that your remora is new and he's just training and now the "sales manager" wants to help you directly.

The dance begins again. "You want this car?" he says. You say no. He says that you will after you see the numbers. You see the new numbers. Your reaction is the same. You get up to leave. Panic ensues yet again. You sit down and another round of improbable numbers appear on oddly contractual looking paper. You are shocked. The numbers are about half of the original improbable numbers. "Oh, see you do want the car after all!" says the "sales manager". You say no, you're just stunned by the numbers. you begin to look closer at the improbable numbers. You begin to notice that the improbable numbers are describing a completely different car with completely different set of options.

Again, you get up to leave and panic ensues. As you leave the lobby another character arrives. He's the "vice president of sales" and hes glad to make your acquaintance. He's very impressed with the car you wanted to get, the one that's not on the lot because "I've got one of those too! I love that car!". He seems like a genial fellow who's somewhat disconnected and aloof from the all the spittle and sweat that covers the sales floor.

You make your case, you want the car you want at the price you want. He says that seems reasonable, "so if we can get you in that car at that price we can make a deal, right".

Then you make the first mistake of the night.

You say "Yes".

You move to the executive office, a secretary gets you coffee. She likes you, you can just tell. Improbable numbers cross the desk on improbable paper that somehow looks all official but you cant actually read the text, but the deal somehow seem more reasonable. Yes, the model isn't exactly the same but you are assured by the "vice president of sales" that its close enough that no one but you can tell. He tells you some slightly related story that gets your attention because he tells it so well. You think your important, hes talking to you and he's a vice president.

The dance goes on but the show begins to draw to a close. 2 hours later and moments before the place closes for the night, you sign the deal, you get the keys.

Your nose begins to anticipate the wonderful scent of "New Car Smell".

And that's when you discover that instead of the 2008 Challenger, you actually bought a 1984 Dodge Colt. Worse, you paid twice what the Colt was worth when it was new in 1984. Worse still, a week after you get home, you get a call from the "improbable finance company" telling you that they need another 1500 bucks to make the deal or they will have to take back the car and no, the car you traded in is gone so you cant have it back. You signed the contract sir, you should've have thought about all this before you bought the car...

What's all this mean? Well, I realized this morning that all this negotiating that's going on in Washington for the "Car Bailout" was nothing more than a macro version of the basic "car sale dance" that occurs in showrooms across the country. Everyone knows its going to happen, everyone knows it will cost more than everyone says. Everyone knows that 6 months from now, once we are all on the hook for 16 billion in wasted money that the argument will be that we cant let that go to waste and we just need to spend a little bit more and after all whats another 10 billion to ensure the jobs of America?

And this is why everyone hates the deal. We've all been there and we all know where this is going.

Posted @ December 16, 2008 08:15 AM | Current Affairs

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